All About Vaginas.

Does everyone else enjoy hearing about other people's vaginas or something? Cos about 40% of the time I am listening to someone talk, they are talking to me about their sex life. Even worse, half of them are friggin virgins and their sex lives exist in their MINDS. It's disgusting! Oh, and then there are the virgins who pretend they're not virgins, but you can just tell because they're socially awkward, ugly, devoid of any sort of personality, lacking in the brain department... And so on and so forth.

I don't understand why people feel the NEED to talk to me about sex. Do I have TALK TO ME ABOUT BLOWJOBS tattooed on my face or something?! There are certain people who talk to me SOLELY for the purpose of telling me about their latest "conquest", and then in hushed tones ask, "Um, if we had sex like, three days before her period, she can't get pregnant right?".

Another thing. Why do they assume I know all about birth control and the female reproduction cycle? I mean, I DO know, because I prefer to research things before committing to anything long-term, but it's really not that difficult to find these out on the internet. Just for your information, the female menstrual cycle is typically 28 days long. The first day of the cycle is the first day of your period. The egg is released roundabouts Day 14-ish. If the egg is not fertilized, it will die within a few days, and menstruation will commence about 10 days later, thus beginning a new cycle. The female can only be impregnated on the days the egg is released, ie Days 14-17ish. APPROXIMATELY.

VERY INFORMATIVE RIGHT? Next time you need to ask me, I will redirect you to this page. I highly recommend you see your doctor for a more personalized account.

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me to buy or give them birth control pills, I would have enough to top up my phone.

But this isn't the worst of it. The worst of the worst is hearing about your ugly frenemy's ugly boyfriend or conquest. It is fucking REPULSIVE. I am all for hearing a sex secret every now and then, but I would really appreciate it if when I am imagining said secret being acted out, I am not retching in disgust because you and your partner are so goddamn ugly. I'm sorry, I'm shallow, but I KNOW none of you enjoy imagining ugly people having sex. Go ahead. Do it. Imagine a fat hairy balding sweaty man with a small penis having sex with a fat ugly woman with frizzy hair, buck teeth and cellulite thighs. DID YOU ENJOY THAT? You didn't? WHAT A SURPRISE!

Anyways, I'm done ranting.

Ok, I'm not. I want to rant more but if I were to go on about virgins talking about sex I would never be done and would miss my River Monsters piranha episode that will air in approximately 20 minutes. I hope you found this post highly informative.

PS: If you're not using birth control pills, FOR FUCK'S SAKE use a FUCKING CONDOM. Not because I give a shit that you get preggers or not, but because I AM SICK OF YOU ASKING ME FOR POSTINOR. It costs FIVE FUCKING BUCKS at a PHARMACY. GET IT YOURSELF. IDIOTS.